The Story of Foolish Heart

I think a lot while I’m driving to work in the morning… my best ideas come from that time all alone, just my music with me.  This morning I’d been reflecting on my visitation with my daughter Emily on Saturday.  I had my spotify app on shuffle play and I said to the Universe “I’ll use the next song that comes on as the focus of today’s blog”.  And so you see it, Foolish Heart by non other than the Grateful Dead.

On Friday I received an email from the ex that she had threatened to “punch me in the face” in order to avoid coming to spend time with me.  He said he was concerned that she would act out and be arrested.  Well, that much he was correct about, if she resorts to violence to address issues, she will be held accountable.  I won’t tolerate that.  In my gut, I didn’t think she would act out.  She never has.  I believe she is behaving this way mirroring what she witnessed her older brother doing a few years ago.  The more he rebelled against me, the more he was praised by his father and paternal grandmother.  He was literally being bought.  Every time he bucked, he got to go to a concert or he was allowed to purchase another guitar…there was a payoff for each time he rejected the very idea of me.  Now it’s her turn.  I have to mention that when she’s with me, she is not angry or hateful.  She is fully engaged in whatever we’re doing.  She has complained that she wanted more one on one time with me, and I can’t argue that.  I’d like that with her too.  So this past weekend we went kayaking.  Neither of us had ever tried it.  It was a blast.  She seemed to really enjoy it.

Emily and I kayaking for the first time, it was great.

We concluded at the lake and continued on to hiking in the Blue Ridge Mountains on White Oak Canyon trail in nearby Madison County.  It was a perfect day minus the heat.  There was no tension between us.  We happily recalled memories of hiking up that very same trail when she was only five.  We laughed about how she would hike up, find a huge rock and insist that we take it home.  So someone (usually all of us, her dad, myself, and her three older brothers), would carry it down for her so she could add it to her collection.  She also had a habit of filling her pockets with playground pebbles when she was in preschool and she vividly recalls sticking one of those pebbles so far up her nose that the preschool had to call home and ask what to do.  We narrowly avoided being stung on the hiking trip.  Some people must have disturbed a yellow jackets’ nest.  We heard the screams and saw about six people who were stung.  We made our own path around the nest at the suggestion of the park rangers.  We alerted the rangers to the danger, there were tons of kids hiking and we didn’t want anyone else to get stung if possible.

White Oak Canyon, Lower Falls.  It was crawling with people!

We reached the lower falls and hung out for a while watching kids and adults alike taking advantage of Mother Nature’s water slide and having a blast.  We climbed barefoot around on the rocks and made sure our bare feet soaked in the fresh, cold mountain water.  We hiked back to the parking lot, she slept in the seat beside me and for a brief while, things were grand.  I was once again with my girl and she was at peace with me.  I took her to dinner and she was picked up.  Our overnight visits won’t begin until August 19th.  There were no punches to the face for anyone and we had a good visit.

That night as I lie in bed my mind reeled.  What would be said next?  Is Emily going to deny she had fun? Is she going to continue behaving one way with me and polar opposite when she isn’t?

Those kinds of thoughts are from living with a narcissist.  I have come to that conclusion.  I have been scrutinized under a microscope for every move I make or don’t make, what I say as well as what I don’t say.  I can do no right through his eyes and I fear he is poisoning our daughter to look at me the exact same way as he does.  Three years ago they said (they being the ex, his attorney and the ex’s mother), Emily and I were “too close,” we were not allowed to share a room or a bed as we had been doing.  I’ve been called unsafe, uncaring, unable to put my child’s needs above my own, unfit, “too clingy,” too poor, to “crazy,” and mind you, this is only what I know has been said.  I’ve been accused of being on crack, stealing my son’s ADHD medication, and been told I’m suicidal (when I wasn’t). NOTHING shocks me anymore but it doesn’t stop this conditioned brain from wondering what comes next in this roller coaster ride.  I had photographed our day together in part to combat any accusations that would later arise.  I had emailed those photos to my attorney, Emily’s attorney, her therapist….then it hit me.  I had allowed her to remove the cumbersome life vest for a brief moment or two while we were kayaking and I had been stupid enough to send it to those people who would love to shred me to bits.  I endangered her life; that would be the claim.  Not just once on the kayak either.  After attempting to harm her on the water with no success, I took her to a dangerous mountain on a day that was really hot and I took her hiking.  The dangers were present everywhere!  She could have fallen off a rock she’d climbed, she may have drown in the water when she got in, she may have been bitten by a poisonous snake, and don’t forget the bees.  Those bees were angry and looking for a fight.  I am not possible equipped to save her despite years of emergency medical training at the paramedic level after all.  I am all of those terrible things, I’m not capable.  THIS is but one way the years with him have poisoned MY mind.  I constantly have this ongoing battle in my head about what I should or shouldn’t do or say or act or even feel.  I feel like I’m constantly searching for where the river ends or where the river begins, doing everything that’s in me that I feel to be my part.

“A foolish heart will call on you
To toss your dreams away
Then turn around and blame you
For the way you went astray
A foolish heart will cost you sleep
And often make you curse
A selfish heart is trouble
But a foolish heart is worse”

So the foolish heart here is the narcissist.  I tossed my dreams away only to get blamed for doing so.  Then it dawned on me.  My power is in how I respond.  Life can throw some pretty shitty curve balls our way.  That much is out of our control.  The way we choose to respond and take control…that’s where it’s at.  Remain in control of your responses and shape your own destiny.  That’s my daily dose of self-compassion, and I’m sticking to it.